Penny For NASA Finally Paid Off!

After a startling announcement from NASA, space enthusiasts everywhere will be happy to know the "Penny 4 NASA" effort finally resulted in the space agency budget tripling to $55.2 billion dollars!

All projects and programs will be fully funded, simultaneously. Unnecessary pork allocations and tax cuts for massive corporations will be re-routed so that the space administration no longer has to pick and choose between heavy launch vehicles, space stations, lunar base plans, asteroid-mining, solar system probes to the outer gas giants, or long-duration missions to Mars.

Very. Serious. Astronauts.

"It was Steph Evz of the STEMulus who convinced us," Said US Representative and current Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. "She's wicked smart. Science communication matters."

Representatives of NASA's 10 major US centers gave impassioned speeches at the Capitol about how Americans spend $65 billion dollars on illegal drugs and $600 billion per year in casinos. One Cape Canaveral employee produced a pie chart of the national budget and challenged the legislature to use their magnifying glasses to find NASA's tiny slice. Amid the chorus of gasps and mutterings, all members of Congress voted to take pay cuts.

Will they miss the money? Sure. But it's gratifying to know the legislative branch finally realizes that the space program benefited the entire planet, and handed Earth a technological way of life: medical advances, agricultural progress, satellite and communications maintenance, plus new developments in weather forecasting and natural disaster warnings.

Betty White didn't mince words: "I knew I had to step in amid all this kvetching. Look at the nonsense cancellations since Nixon axed Apollo. It's preposterous. You want something done right? You get a coupla old broads to do it. I'm running for President in 2020 with RuPaul as my VP, and we're going to double NASA's budget again. $80 billion, no joke. Anything less is bullshit, you guys. Now get out of my way -- I gotta go pick up my Deadpool 2 tickets."

Could Earth possibly be that lucky? Is it even possible that for the first time in human history, potentially pioneering sciences might benefit all of humanity, without having to take a backseat to military aims or politics?

In another completely unrelated, ludicrously unforseen and utterly unprecedented move, Johnny Depp announced he would forgo his entire $90-million salary for "Pirates of the Caribbean 7" and donate the entire amount to NASA. 

"Seriously, I have enough dough," Depp was quoted as saying on the red carpet, at the gala for the "Firefly Season 2" premiere.

"And why should anyone get that kind of ridiculous cash for a movie anyway? Come on, all I do is dress up and play pretend in front of a camera.  It's hardly rocket science. Ninety million could fund the entire Exoplanet Exploration Program for an entire year!"

Yes. Yes, it could.

Happy April Fool's Day! The White House will release the actual Fiscal Year 2019 Budget on April 16th. Tip: Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Not just today, but kinda always.