Monday, April 1, 2013

White House Announces NASA Budget Changes


In a startling announcement from The White House today, space enthusiasts everywhere will be happy to know the "Penny 4 NASA" effort has paid off!

NASA's budget more than doubled to $40 billion dollars, which may actually become their new annual allotment. Unnecessary monies for porky programs from the military budget will be re-routed so that the space agency no longer has to pick and choose between new heavy launch vehicles, space stations, lunar base plans, asteroid-mining, solar system probes to the outer gas giants, or long-duration missions to Mars.

All projects and programs will be fully funded, simultaneously.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

"It was Neil deGrasse Tyson who convinced us," Said US Representative and current Speaker of the House, John Boehner. "He's wicked smart. I love that guy."

Tyson pointed out, in an impassioned speech in the Capitol, that each year, Americans spend $65 billion dollars on illegal drugs, and another $20 billion on the pornography industry. Americans also spend $600 billion per year in casinos, gambling money away for no other result than to lose games of chance. He then produced a large pie chart of the national budget and challenged the legislature to use their magnifying glasses to find NASA's tiny slice. Amid the chorus of gasps and mutterings, all members of Congress voted to take pay cuts.

Will they miss the money? Sure. But it's gratifying to know the legislative branch finally realizes that the space program has benefited the entire planet, and handed most western countries our modern way of life. Citing medical technology, agricultural advances, satellite and communications maintenance, plus new developments in weather and natural disaster warnings, President Barack Obama was reported to have said he couldn't sign the budget proposal fast enough.

Hillary Clinton, the only First Lady in U.S.history who attended a Space Shuttle launch, didn't mince words: "I knew I had to come back when all this kvetching busted out. Look all the nonsense cancellations and disappointments since Nixon axed Apollo. It's preposterous. You want something done right? You get a coupla old broads to do it. I'm running for President in 2016 with Betty White as my VP, and we're going to double NASA's budget again. $80 billion, no joke. Anything less is bullshit, you guys."

Weighing in later in the day about the coveted signature was NASA administrator Charles Bolden, "Space Shuttles put back into operation? I think the museums would be disappointed to lose the old ones, so we just said WTF, let's build three new ones. We're going to need to hire about 5,000 people here pretty soon. It's very exciting! The only thing better would be a blank check."

Could Earth possibly be that lucky? Is it even possible that for the first time in human history, potentially pioneering sciences might benefit all of humanity, without having to take a backseat to military aims or politics?

In another, and completely unrelated, unprecedented move, Johnny Depp announced that he would forgo his entire $60 million salary for "Pirates of the Caribbean 5" and donate the entire amount to NASA. 

Johnny Depp

"Seriously, I have enough dough," Depp was quoted as saying on the red carpet, at the premiere of the "Evil Dead" re-make.

"And why should anyone get that kind of ridiculous cash for a movie anyway? Come on, all I do is dress up like a pirate and play pretend in front of a camera.  It's hardly rocket science. Sixty million could fund the entire Exoplanet exploration program for an entire year!"

Yes. Yes, it could.

Happy April Fool's Day! The White House will release the actual Fiscal Year 2014 Budget on April 14th. Tip: Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Not just today, but kinda always.